


we're giants in a little man's world (my heart is pumping up so big that it could burst)

by ANNECY



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Being Themselves, Eating Disorders, Famous, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Harry is lost, Implied Sexual Content, Liam is very drunk, Louis is all panicked, M/M, SO, They're one direction, Zayn and Niall are just there being well there, and kisses and cuddles for what its worth, and soft touches, and some angst, at the brits, because harry and louis love each other, but mostly fluff and kisses, but not so much, just brievely mentioned cause it's in the past?, okay so more angst than i thought, okay theres definitely badly written angst, so harry has a bit of an eating disorder, the brits 2014
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-02-23
Packaged: 2018-01-13 07:34:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1217839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ANNECY/pseuds/ANNECY
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Uhm, uhm, what did we win?” Harry stage-whispered at Louis, looking straight at him, pleading, like he was asking for something else entirely. His green eyes burning and glassy. And of course the question sounded hilarious to the rest of the world, because, really? This was something only Harry Styles could ask, but Louis felt his throat close up. </p><p>+ </p><p>Louis gets panic attacks because Harry's not always there and he doesn't always show it, but it happens. And they're not really panic attacks, but they feel like it and Louis doens't really know how to deal, sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we're giants in a little man's world (my heart is pumping up so big that it could burst)

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING, ANYONE OR ANY NAMES USED IN THIS FIC.  
> IT'S JUST FANFICTION, NOTHING RELATES TO THE TRUTH.  
> and maybe that's a bit of a lie, because the brits happened and they were there and everything but - everything i wrote around the brits didn't happen. at least, i dont think so. So. 
> 
> also, title's from Afrojack's TEN FEET TALL
> 
> and, i didn't proof read so, sorry for any mistakes, let me know if you find some.

Okay, so Louis didn't freak out often. He never really panicked when something happened to Niall (like his knee getting hurt) or Liam who called him crying because Andy had almost been burned alive. He didn't even flinch when management made him fake-date Eleanor to keep his relationship with Harry under wraps. Not even when Lottie and the twins got into a fight at the mall because Fizzy was being called rude names and it was normal for family to stand up for each other.

 

No, Louis would say he could keep his calm very well. Although, sometimes everything just gets too much.

 

+

 

Louis had been hiding out in Doncaster since they'd gotten back from Tokyo three months ago, while Liam and Sophia spent their time together in London, Niall went back to Mullingar and Zayn and Perrie just seemed to fall of the face of the earth.

 

Harry didn't disappear though. His face was everywhere. LA, Jamaica, London. If Louis should believe every story out there, the younger man went on several dates and kissed more women than he could count and Louis didn't even bat an eye, because the stories weren't true, were they?

 

Well, he started to worry when Harry stopped texting him after his flight from London Heathrow to LAX, but he didn't panic. Not yet.

 

+

 

He panicked when he came home to their flat in London though (well, Louis' flat, but Harry lived with him because his own home was being renovated. Or, that was the story that management told the world).

 

Harry wasn't there, there was no sign that the man had been there in the past three months or maybe days and not Zayn or Niall had heard from him. Louis called Liam, his breathing heavy and he almost cried (almost, because he never cried. Okay, maybe that one time Harry ended up getting that stupid butterfly tattooed on his belly) and Liam calmed him down, said that Harry would be there soon and there was probably something wrong with his phone.

 

And, okay, so, that could happen, right? Right?

 

Louis just dropped his phone after the conversation ended, went to the bedroom with a full bottle of Vodka in his left hand and drowned himself in liquor. Well, not really, but you get the picture.

 

+

 

“Jesus.”

 

The first thing Louis noticed was Niall's blond hair and his blue eyes searching Louis' face.

 

“Just Louis. What's going on?” Louis grumbled out, his tongue definitely wasn't meant to feel like this, all dried out and thick and – Hold on, his stomach shouldn't be doing backflips either. He closed his eyes, groaning and rolling out of bed, stumbling towards the bathroom.

 

“You've been drinking a lot mate,” Niall yelled after him, holding up the empty bottle of Vodka and Louis' stomach lurched. He tried not to throw up before he reached the toilet, but ended up just reaching the sink before puking his guts out.

 

Niall hobbled into the bathroom, rubbing Louis' back and tugging at his hair gently. “Hey Lou, are you okay, apart from, y'know, your hangover?”

 

Louis whined and pushed himself away from the sink, only to reach the toilet in time for another round of violent throwing up.

 

“Alright, I guess not, hey, let me make you breakfast and then let's get going. There's a Brit Award waiting for us,” Niall said, leaving Louis alone to wallow in peace, before he cleaned up the bathroom and took a shower.

 

+

 

“Where is he then?” Louis snapped at Niall, who was sitting in front of Lou, who was skilfully combing through his hair. Niall only blinked at him via the mirror.

 

“His flight got delayed,” Lou stepped in, tapping Nialls shoulder to let him know he was done. Louis took his place and looked over at Lou behind him.

 

“What?”

 

“I thought he would've told you? I mean –”

 

“I – I didn't know, he hasn't talked to me since we left Tokyo,” Louis breathed out and the back of his neck prickled. Goosebumps formed on his arms and white hot panic clawed a way up his throat. He'd thought Harry had gone back to Holmes Chapel for a bit, because that's what he'd told Louis before they flew back to London Heathrow. Harry said he'd missed his mum and was going to spend as much time at home as possible. He lied.

 

Lou patted his shoulder and Louis closed his eyes. Tears were definitely trying to escape, pricking in his eyes. He let out a shaky breath, his thumb pressing against one of the quotation marks, right at his pulse point, trying to ground himself. The fact that his head was still pounding with the worst hangover he'd ever had wasn't helping.

 

“Are you okay, Louis?” Lou's voice sounded like the was miles away, he didn't feel her hands in his hair anymore. She'd turned him around, facing him, touching his wrists, taking away the pressure he was putting against the skin.

 

“I'm okay. Okay, fine. I'm okay,” Louis said, his voice distant, his vision blurred and his brain fuzzy with thoughts swimming around. He tried to grasp something to hold on to, to remind him of the fact that deep down Harry still loved him. He tried to picture Harry's face, the swallows on his chest and the was his eyes glazed over sometimes when he would look at Louis, but all the images swirled, vanished like they were never there and suddenly everything went black, making him dizzy.

 

+

 

Harry didn't show up until they were all ready and being ushered out of the venue and onto the red carpet. Liam was the first to notice Harry, knocking his shoulder against Louis'.

 

“Just in time.”

 

Louis turned to look and froze on the spot. Harry was rushing towards them, pushing a stray curl from his face. He looked exhausted, his curls slicked back and Louis didn't remember them being this long and less curly. He was wearing a black dress shirt, covered with an obnoxious white pattern and all the buttons were done. Most of the shirt was hidden under a black blazer and to finish off the outfit, Harry was wearing his signature skinny jeans and black boots.

 

“Just in time,” Louis repeated lowly and started reaching for Harry, but the younger man just shook his head and smiled, before heading out to face the rest of the world.

 

+

 

Harry was seated as far away from Louis as possible (meaning, Louis was sat in between Liam and Zayn, Niall was next to Liam and Harry was at the far end). Harry kept looking around, facing away from the rest of them, talking to people at the table next to them and Louis was biting the inside of his cheek so hard he was tasting blood. He kept smiling and laughing with Zayn, pretending to be happy, because there were camera's everywhere and Zayn was telling him about Perrie and their dog and he was so happy Louis had to at least pretend he was too.

 

“ – Now, look who I'm sat with!” James Corden had claimed a place next to Niall, who was laughing his bright, big, carefree laugh and Louis returned his attention to the table, being _happyhappyhappy_.

 

James clapped Liam on the shoulder. “Are you having a good time?”

 

“Uh, yeah, this is the first time we've seen each other in uh – three months?” Liam looked at Louis for confirmation, who nodded, smiling and being _happy_.

 

And James was talking again, addressing Harry, who smiled and cleared his throat. He sounded different from the way Louis knew. Louis gripped his wrist, dipping his thumb against pulse point again and felt the way his heart was beating erratically.

 

“Yeah, I think, y'know, it's the Brits and it's exiting and uh – ” He waved at the camera, awkward and a little self-conscious like he gets. Louis knew the way his eyes were flitting around. “And you're doing a great job.”

 

James actually blushed at that, “Thank you sir.”

 

Louis kept his eyes on Harry, feeling Zayns knee knocking against his. James started talking about Justin Bieber, pointing the microphone at Niall, who laugh, bright and happy.

 

“ – Who was the first here to uh get in touch of go visit him in prison?”

 

And Louis stared at Harry, who was looked dazed and far away and not at all part of the group anymore. His eyes were distant and he was staring at something that didn't seem to be there and Louis knew that look.

 

“Uh – ”

 

Harry snapped his gaze back at Niall, blinking, clearing his vision and looking at Louis for a split second. Louis almost choked on his own breath, but Zayn was there, touching his knee and James was talking to him and there was no time to panic.

 

“Did you tell him what guys do to people who look like him in prison, did you? Did you let him know – Did anyone sent him a text saying lay of the bunks?”

 

“Uh – Zayn, did you …”

 

“Do you have a message for Justin?”

 

Louis looked back at James, his face unnaturally blank. “Keep strong and keep doing what you're doing.” He nodded, his lips pressed together and James laughed.

 

“Well, don't keep doing what you're doing, Justin, that's ridiculous Louis. That's the worst advise ever.” Louis genuinely smiled at that, because Harry locked eyes with him, seemingly sobered up a bit and smiled, his dimples on full display and Louis' heart felt like it would burst. There was no way they'd be getting away with a silent _i love you_ , but Louis just kept looking at Harry, hoping he would get the message anyway.

 

As soon as James' attention turned back to the camera, talking about Best Video and Bruno Mars and Beyoncé, Harry looked back around, his eyes distant again and Louis felt like throwing up.

 

“Keep smiling Lou,” Zayn said and Louis laughed, it felt unreal and like he was choking but Zayn seemed to think he was doing good. Liam leaned over to whisper something in his ear.

 

“Is he doing okay?”

 

“I don't know man, I don't know,” Louis said back and tried to catch Harry's attention again, but the younger lad just kept his eyes down and his lips pressed together. Liam downed another glass of wine and Louis wanted nothing more than leave, go home and sleep for the next ten years.

 

+

 

“Where's Harry though?” Niall asked, his voice low and slightly panicked and Liam knocked back another glass of wine. Zayn was already getting up to help Niall onto the stage and Louis looked around. He felt lost and alone and he didn't know what to do, so he just settled for following the others onto the stage.

 

Louis motioned to pass the microphone on to Liam, looked back at where Harry had left over half an hour ago and followed Zayn up the steps.

 

“Has anyone seen a curly haired one? A curly lad, where's he?”

 

Niall laughed, Zayn kept looking at the award standing in front of him, while Liam tried to talk his way out of this situation. Louis brushed his finger along his nose and picked up the award, feeling it's weight and they all felt awkward and restless.

 

“I don't know where you are Harry – ”

 

Louis was the first to spot him, turning around, watching Harry run up to them, his curls bouncing with every step. His blazer flapping around him and he was smiling so bright. He took the steps two at a time and Liam pushed the microphone into his hand.

 

“I'm really sorry, I was having a wee,” he started and Louis laughed, head tilting back and starting at the ceiling high above them. Tears were pricking in his eyes again, because Harry's eyes were glazed over, his voice hoarse and his curls were messier than before. “The toilets are ages away.” He sounded tired and out of breath and Liam caught Louis' eyes, silently asking.

 

Louis kept on the façade, laughing and joking just like the rest of the audience, sending Liam a silent _i don't know_. But he knew. He knew straight away why Harry had taken so long, because the toilets weren't that far and even then, Harry had been gong for a good half an hour.

 

“Uhm, uhm, what did we win?” Harry stage-whispered at Louis, looking straight at him, pleading, like he was asking for something else entirely. His green eyes burning and glassy. And of course the question sounded hilarious to the rest of the world, because, really? This was something only Harry Styles could ask, but Louis felt his throat close up.

 

Harry kept thanking the fans and _a thank you for having us_ and thanking the fans again, before they were ushered off the stage again and this time it was time for a break and Louis gripped Harry's wrist on his way to their table. And while James Corden was making jokes about Harry's absence to the toilet, Louis pressed his mouth against Harry's ear.

 

“We need to talk.”

 

+

For the first time in, well, years, their management sat at the table with them, allowed them to sneak away for a bit. Louis got up as soon as he'd gotten green light and motioned for Harry to follow him. The younger lad just looked at him, he was still looking tired and pale and Louis narrowed his eyes at him.

 

“I just want to talk H, it's okay. Come on,” Louis said softly, brushing the tips of his fingers along Harry's jaw. Harry followed the movement from the corner of his eyes and nodded once.

 

“Okay,” he breathed out, getting up and following a good ten feet behind Louis.

 

+

 

“Where the hell are we Lou?” Harry hissed, gripping onto Louis' waist, stumbling in the darkness. Louis turned around, searching Harry's face in the dark, before touching the wall next to him and turning on the light.

 

“Here.”

 

Harry raised his eyebrows and looked around, before smiling. “Jesus, Lou, really?”

 

They were standing in the same room they'd had assigned as dressing room when they'd played here on their tour. There was still that couch standing in a corner, a few clothingracks against the wall and the door was closed.

 

“Really. Come on, let's sit, yeah?” Louis breathed out, slowly sitting down on the worn couch. Harry sat down next to him, arms brushing and suddenly the air around them felt thick and uncomfortable.

 

“Are you okay H?” Louis asked after a long silence and Harry looked at Louis, green eyes staring. Louis tapped a familiar rhythm against his forearm and Harry shook his head slowly, feeling his eyes water.

 

“I don't know Lou, it's just – It's been so busy with the tour and then, suddenly we had so much spare time and I – I. We could do whatever and there was no – I got a bit – I – ”

 

“Hey, hey, it's okay H. Look, I know, there was a change in pace and that's fine. I shouldn't have left you to go back to LA alone,” Louis said slowly and Harry recoiled at that, backing away from him, eyes wide.

 

“That's – I'm twenty years old Lou, I should be able to take care of myself. I shouldn't be needing you like this anymore,” Harry choked out and Louis panicked, again, because Harry was getting up from the couch and pacing the room and –

 

“It's okay though, you know that, right? It's okay to need me sometimes, right?”

 

“I – It's not. I'm an adult now – ”

 

“You're not twenty-one yet H,” Louis smiled and Harry barked out a laugh and – Okay, maybe he _was_ doing okay.

 

“Fine, but still. I was doing good you know? I was eating and drinking just like I was on tour, I kept trying to keep the same routine, y'know? And it was working, really, but then management called and set me up with all these dates and – ”

 

“You got stressed.”

 

“Yeah,” he whispered, sounding defeated. Louis tucked him back to the couch, sitting him down and pulling him against his side. Harry's curls tickled his jaw and his warm breath ghosted over his collarbones.

 

“Why didn't you call me? Or, I don't know, texted me?”

 

“Didn't think you'd want to know how crappy I was doing after all this time.”

 

“Yeah, well, I was worried about you.” Louis sighed and pulled Harry against him tighter, brushing his lips over his cheekbone.

 

They were quiet for a long time, both thinking and breathing and holding on to each other because well – They'd been apart for three months.

 

“H?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Did you like – You didn't do anything stupid in the toilet tonight, did you?” Louis asked softly, tugging Harry's curls gently, kissing his temple. Harry breathed in sharply.

 

“I might have thrown up,” Harry mouthed against Louis' chest. Louis tugged his curls a bit harder, making sure Harry looked at him when he spoke.

 

“Come again, love?”

 

“I might have thrown up,” Harry repeated, slowly and so soft Louis wasn't sure if he'd heard right, but when he saw Harry's eyes and the tears threatening to spill, he released a long breath.

 

“Why'd you do that H?”

 

“I don't – I wasn't – Like, I – I'm sorry. I didn't mean too, I just – I felt so bad Lou and I didn't – It just happened and I'm sorry,” Harry breathed out, choking on some of the words, his voice breaking at the end. Tears slipped down his cheeks silently and Louis kissed them away gently.

 

“It's okay baby, it's fine. Hey, let's just forget about it okay? Next time you tell me or call me of whatever okay? Just, talk to me when you need to okay? Promise me? Harry, promise?”

 

Harry nodded silently, sniffing and wiping at his eyes. “Promise, Lou, promise.”

 

Louis nodded and kissed his cheek.

 

“Hey, Louis?” Harry whispered eventually, looking up from where his face was pressed against Louis' shoulder. He locked his eyes on Louis'. “I really did miss you.” Cupping Louis' chin in his hand, lifting his head so they were eye to eye.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Hm, loads.”

 

“Well, good, because I really did miss you too. Loads.”

 

And Harry kissed Louis, slow and gentle and maybe a bit hesitant, but Louis smiled into the kiss, pulling Harry _closerclosercloser_.

 

+

 

Okay, and maybe they had to cut this close and go back. Not maybe, but definitely and not even five minutes later, Zayn was banging on the door, yelling for them to _hurry the fuck up_ because the category for their second nomination was coming up.

 

Harry laughed against Louis chest a little breathless and Louis tugged at Harry's curls and they'd fallen onto the couch in a tangle of limbs and clothes and they'd been kissing and touching and whispering.

 

“Harry, Harry, Harry,” Louis chanted softly, still laughing breathlessly, trying to get Harry to look at him. Harry looked up from where he was kissing Louis' neck, his green eyes glazed over with something Louis didn't recognise and his lips red and swollen and Louis laughed again.

 

“We have to go,” Louis whispered against Harry's lips, kissing him again and again, over and over.

 

“I know, I know. C'mon, c'mon,” Harry breathed out, pecking Louis' lips three more times before pushing himself up off the couch, straightening his clothes and pulling his blazer back on. Louis followed him up and straightened his own blazer, running his fingers through his hair.

 

“Gimme a kiss,” Harry giggled, catching Louis' wrist when he reached for the door. Louis rolled his eyes, pecked Harry's lips once before opening the door, revealing a smiling Zayn.

 

“Thought you two killed each other.”

 

“Did you really?” Harry asked, words muffled, his face pressed against Louis' back. Zayn huffed out a breath.

 

“Yeah, just for a second though, after that we all concluded that you two probably fucked at least two times.”

 

“Fuck you, Zayn,” Louis said, hitting Zayns arm. Zayn looked back, unimpressed.

 

“Rather not, Perrie would kill you. Come on, fuckers, people are starting to wonder where you went,” Zayn laughed, leading the way back. ”

 

Louis scrunched up his nose. “What about a threesome?”

 

“ _Heeeeeeey_ ,” Harry whined from beside him and Louis laughed, pulling him down for another kiss.

 

“Sorry babe,” Louis said, smiling, feeling like he could breath again, his chest light and fluttering. Harry looked at him, his eyes shining and bright. His cheeks tinged pink and Louis looked around for a second before pulling him down for one last kiss, whispering a silent _i love you._

 

+

 

Harry tapped his foot against Louis ankle and when Louis looked up, the lad in front of him smiled beautifully. His eyes sparkling, like he knew for sure they'd win this award.

 

“And the winner, as voted for, by you, on Twitter; British Video of the Year, One Direction!”

 

Louis looked at Harry, who winked, stood up with the rest of the table, hugging one of their management-team and they all piled up on the stage, again. This time with five of them.

 

“Here we are again, this time as an actual five, thank you everyone for showing up this time. Nice one, good stuff,” Liam said, knocking his shoulder against Harry's. Harry smiled, his lips pressed together. “We wanna really thank the fans on Twitter for voting for us. Uh – I've had a few drinks, so Niall, do you wanna take over here.”

 

Liam passed the microphone over to Niall, who thanked James Corden, again. Liam declared his undying lover for Jimmie Carr again and Harry thanked Ben Winston before they all left the stage again.

 

Niall, Louis and Zayn going left, Harry and Liam going right and joining at the table again.

 

“We won another Brit lads,” Liam smiled so wide Louis was almost scared his face would break. His eyes were unfocussed and he downed another glass of wine. Harry pulled at Louis sleeve and pecked his lips so quick Louis thought they'd never even touched.

 

“Hey, Lou?”

 

“H?”

 

“I really fucking love you.”

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i really suck at writing endings (i suck at writing in general but thats another story), as you can read. hope you still enjoyed, so. this was just something silly and well yeah. thats about it. thanks for reading! xo


End file.
